another Rant of the month

aaah I forgot that I have this blog,
because other social media like Facebook, twitter and Tumblr.
guess I'm drifted to mainstream community like other blogger who neglected their blogs again and again.

well its not like my Blog traffic is high and someone like to visit my blog and read it anyway, so I don't feel enough obligation to write something in this blog.

anyway. certain someone are telling about the struggling that I'm going trough this day.
saying that I'm not a Focus person and I forget my dream about being a great comic artist.
and that's all because social media and BJD

remember the time when I used to hate sosmed because they are to troublesome and I dont feel I'm social enough to use it.
and look at me now, everyday, the first thing I do when log on to the internet is checking my socmed account
to the point that made me realize, I'm addicted to it.

dear oh dear why, I'm addicted to it? while I used to feel enough by just writing in this blog that seldom people read?
the answer is...
I feel insecure about my self.. social media online made me feel better about my self. people who do stupid stuff, people who always saying good stuff about me and my works.

but why the hell I feel insecure?
because I never feel I'm good enough as a person, moreover as an artist.
I'm not that popular, I'm so so artist.
my art are good, but not awesome, my work are easily to forget.
and I dont have any reward or appreciation from some association or whatsoever to justify my mediocre achievement.

like when I stumble on other fellow artist, I always see their award, winning this winning that, hired by this company, speaker at this event, invited to aboard to join some exhibition etc etc.

while me? probably none..
even if there is
on the exhibition or the event, my works are drown and forgotten by others amazing art that make people stumble in awe.

owh I could rants for hour and hours about the reason why I dont feel I'm not better enough.
you probably say I'm not grateful and everybody have their growth and its wrong to comparing skill in art with others. etc etc.. okay I get that.
but this is not about that, its about why I feel insecure and then make me runaway to social media.
and that action for me I found it wrong.

I have read a review about someone regarding Indonesian comic artist, where you can found and contact one, and the person said, its easy to find me, I'm active almost everywhere.
BAM! right in the gut.

lol, come on think, actually how many professional artist, who have amazing work and achievement who also spend 80% of his/her daily life on the social media account?
tell me?
none?

okay that's what I meant my current addiction about social media are wrong.
damn I can totally use my time to do something much better that stalking people, doing gossips, and update my status or tweets,
I miss the old days when I'm not addicted on internet.. ;_;

I need to pull my modem away and start productive in art.